invisibletrick (invisibletrick) wrote,

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hey everyone,
it's matty.
first thing, let me apologize for my apparent distaste for capitalization, question marks, and anything else that requires a shift button, because mine is totally wonky and has decided not to work anymore.

that out of the way, i had the weirdest thing happen to me last night. let's just say some questions about my future came up. well, in response to what ended up being an epiphany regarding where all my money was going, things have changed. let me explain...

for the past year or so i have been smoking somewhere between a half pack and a pack of cigarettes a day. if i'd go so long as 3 hours without one, i would go insane. you can ask juls about that... he knows what i'm talking about. the realization hit me last night that i was spending around 7 dollars plus a day on a pack of cigarettes. that means 50 dollars a week. that means 200 dollars a month. and i swear to god, i felt a little twitch as i realized the source of all my money problems...

maybe it's that i've been working out a lot lately... the last week and a half i have taken to doing 50 push ups a day, and 100 situps a day also, and recently i've added a one hour bike ride to my daily routine. well... today, all of a sudden, i've only smoked two cigarettes. and neither of them were really necessary, more force of habit. it's as if over night i lost my addiction to cigarettes... i may be jinxing it by talking about it... but that's the thing... i don't feel like it has anything to do with luck. it's just gone. there's a sort of shouldn't i be smoking a cigarette mentality that i've sort of had today, but no real desire... no burning eyes, no swimminess... it's absolutely clear, and i've only had two cigarettes to this time...

but so i think i have an explanation for all this. maybe all addictions, physical and psychological, can be traced to a need for a crutch. for the longest time i felt shitty about myself for various reasons... i've even vented some of those reasons in this venue. i smoked when i was down. i used to drink when i was down too. in fact, there are a lot of things i used to do when i was down. well, now for the first time in years i feel normal... but really it feels like it just happened overnight. probably not though... but who knows.

my point is that all addictions are psychological. you need to find that will power. something clicks one day when you realize that your behaviour is self destructive. but you need to feel good about yourself first. you need to be able to feel good without that crutch, whatever it is. and then you have to keep yourself happy. the band has been playing together a lot lately, and that tends to make me happy. maybe that's part of it too.

anyways, i just wanted to share this experience with you guys... it's pretty cheesy, and i'm sorry for that, but hey... at least i'm being candid.

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